Pirates of the Caribbean fest!

Yes, I am a sucker for everything that falls under Hollywood blockbuster category. Sure enough, its feasting time with yet another comeback of a stupendously successful franchise. A franchise that somehow eluded my watching resume for one reason or another. But with time finally on hand, I made it a point to finally watch this Disney extravaganza back to back (regardless of the fact that the first movie was a downright pain). And this is what I think of them.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003): **

Let’s get this straight at the very start–this movie is a bore and a big, fat one at that. And for me this is all that matters. All the creative intelligence and technical wizardry be rubbished, if its a story not well told, a story that fails to elicit any response, then for me that film just isn’t worth watching. And this first Pirates movie is just that. Gore Verbinski just isn’t able to infuse any life into the characters. Yes, he’s crippled by a plot that’s way too complex for its own good but given that this is supposed to be an intro to the world of supernatural Caribbean piracy and an English Royal family, the setting just doesn’t have enough build-up or interactions to be convincing.

The action starts head-on with a pirate called Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) arriving at the Jamaican port, incidentally rescuing governor’s daughter Elizabeth (Keira Knightley) who has two secret admirers– the local blacksmith (Orlando Bloom) and Commodore Norrington (Jack Davenport). An argument or so later with Commodore, Jack’s put away in the gallows as the port is invaded by a ghost ship called Black Pearl. Now Black Pearl is a vessel crewed by a huge bunch of “undead” hoodlums who are apparently under this weird curse of remaining undead until every single gold medallion is returned to a chest they stole and spent from years back. That and a small blood sacrifice from every thief. Now the twist in the tale is that while abducting and looting the port, they capture Elizabeth (who has that last medallion they need thanks to a chance encounter she had with Orlando Bloom when the latter was found stranded at sea. Bloom’s father, Bootstrap, was one of the pirates who, angered by his crew’s disobedience to the cursed treasure, posted the medallion to his son back then). And then there is another thread of Jack Sparrow also being the captain of the Black Pearl who was mutinied back then and marooned on an island.

Believe me, there’s nothing more unexciting an exercise than sitting for a good two and a half hours only to get answers to questions like “Is the curse finally broken?”, “Does Jack Sparrow get his due?”, “Do Elizabeth and the blacksmith get together?”. For the only question that really matters is “Do I care?”. And I really don’t. The undead pirates might as well have skinned Elizabeth alive and burnt the blacksmith at stake and probably that would have stopped my head from bobbing with sleep.

One look at the length and clearly Disney’s tried their hand at creating their own LOTR. But one really wonders where all the production money really went. For alongwith bland direction of a convoluted story, the film is far from breaking any ground in terms of shot-taking, cinematography, acoustics, action or even dialogues. The swordfights are unforgivably repetitive and absolutely unimaginative. And to talk about how the people in this film talk would probably even make Virginia Woolf wince in her grave. From the first to the last scene, everyone is vexed, peeved, miffed–I mean its really tiring to see the actors go through the motions of fighting and pouting some gibberish about rum and cursed coins with a single expression. Oh, and it all ends the Bollywood way. That and there’s something disastrously wrong with Keira Knigtley’s teeth which makes her more of a scathing witch than the petite princess she ought to be.

So, in this whole fake dark cloud, thankfully the silver linings just about refrain you from breaking the DVD in two. Johnny Depp for once. The guy is an absolute riot as the flamboyant (read almost feminine) and smooth-talking pirate. That is, until he’s painted with the same pale colour that most of the film’s coloured in. Him and the one scene where Elizabeth drops off the edge of a castle into the sea thanks to her overtly tight corset just as the Commodore Norrington is proposing to her are very funny. Sadly, the film isn’t. Infact I don’t even know what this film is. There simply isn’t a sense of surprise, dread, menace, urgency or anything.

Power to all of you who love this tripe and have made it a blockbuster that it is. For me it just didn’t work.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006):***

Ah! Now this is more like it. Its almost as if one fine day a child discovers that the showpieces in his living room are indeed the best toys. Yes, Verbinski and his team finally have some fun with the savourless characters that populated the dead-beet of a first film. Much to my relief and everyone’s mirth. Forget the sequel curse, this is a boon on the lines of Shrek 2 and Spiderman 2. Almost everyone get their act straight and finally are up for some play.

Though, for some bizarre reason, the script and the screenplay writers are still way too uptight about doing away with the unnecessarily numerous subplots which means the film is still awkwardly dense and long. The only respite being the fact that it is this way only sometimes.

Elizabeth and Will Turner are arrested by the new Lord from the East India company on the day of their wedding for aiding in the rescue of a pirate like Jack Sparrow from his execution (picking up where the last film left off). A deal is struck to abate the discomfort if Will is able to bring Jack’s “broken” compass.

Meanwhile Jack has an old debt to settle with another legendary captain (Davy Jones) of yet another ghostly ship (Flying Dutchman) for reviving Jack’s Black Pearl. The captain has his heart stowed away in a remote island in a chest (the same one that gives the film its title) and Jack must find a key to that. And then there’s also a thread about Will Turner’s father, Bootstrap, meeting again with his son Will. And even Elizabeth is ready to take some matters in her own hands if she wants to rescue Will. And so abounds another epic of alliances, duels, secrets, curses, chases and swordfights.

Yes, its way too complicated for its own good but somehow everyone’s in a lighter mood and it more or less ends up pieced almost together by the time the end credits roll.

Just like her blouses which have a newfound depth, Keira Knightley’s Elizabeth’s swashbuckling incarnate is pure eye candy. To see the lady do more than drape herself in bustle-n-crinoline skirts and exaggerated sleeves is quite a pretty sight and thankfully she’s used the right dental floss (pardon the sudden change in my critique of the girl’s aesthetic anatomy but this is supposed to be a follow-up comment from the review of POTC 1). Her scenes with Depp’s Jack Sparrow are crackling with a visible chemistry and thankfully, there is enough screentime given to the main characters alongwith her to finally bother you with what’s happening to them.

Johnny Depp is an absolute hoot as Captain Jack Sparrow. He has the best lines and he has them all through. All the comic sequences are written around him and they become ten times funnier with Jack’s drunken gait and his now inimitable verbal gymnastics. Be it the time when he’s enjoying every bit of the reverance from a superstitous tribe (or when he’s running from them), or when he’s in a three-way duel with Will and Norrington or just generally uttering lines like “Oh bugger”, he’s just howlarious. And you know you root for him just a moment before he’s about to enter the mouth of a giant octopus-like sea creature called Kraken shouting “Hello, beastie”. If at all this movie is remembered ten years from now, it’ll be for Depp’s no-holds-barred spirited performance.

Orlando Bloom does the stereotypical hunk act with elan and understatement. Which leaves me a bit clueless on the ubiquitous Orlando-bashing. Two other things which the makers get right this time around is dialogue and SFX. There’s humour galore and the special effects are in the league of King Kong (sometimes, even suspiciously inspired–esp the tribal scenes and the giant Kraken’s mouth). Though the menacing Flying Dutchman and its barnacled, tentacled crew really are originals, and quite excellent ones at that. Hans Zimmer’s score finally makes its presence felt too and just as a compliment to some breathtaking cinematography, the opening scene where we see a drenched bridal Elizabeth sitting amidst a courtyard full of dining tables, chairs, cups, saucers which are getting carelessly splattered by rain is haunting.

There are still elements which just don’t quite sit comfortably together (you still don’t know how seriously to take the characters in this utter tosh for Verbinski’s handling of drama still remains quite bland and archaic). So there’s none of that freewheeling epic feel that Lord of the Rings has but at Disney they are hellbent on proving otherwise. They are successful to some extent in this grandiose sequel which has had me intrigued what the final film in the trilogy will have on offer next year.

But till then, you can have a bite at this enjoyable fare which has enough wham-bam, physical slapstick and self-deprecating one-liners to see you through the sometimes dragging plot.